Did you guys hear? Bed sheets are the latest way to make a personal statement– forget necklaces and bags. Here’s a helpful guide to navigating which statement you’re sending with your sheets:
Statement 1: I never change my sheets because I’m a live-on-the-edger, and I love how my dirty sheets run me the risk of getting acne!
Yep, dirty sheets, and especially pillow cases, are apt to do just that. The bacteria that accumulates between your all-too-infrequent washings irritates the skin, causing those nasty blemishes. You daredevil, you.
Statement 2: I keep the same sheets on my bed for ages because I hate to sleep alone, so I love the company of dust mites!
Every night while you toss and turn, your body is shedding skin cells, which you can’t see, but your little sleeping partners can. They love it when you don’t wash your sheets for months at a time– did somebody say feast?!
Statement 3: I keep the same sheets on my bed for a disgustingly long amount of time because I consider my body’s secretions to be precious, that’s why I love to bask in them in my filthy sheets!
You spend nearly a third of each week of your life in bed. During that time, your body releases oils, sweat, hair- and maybe other things. Never washing your sheets is a great way to soak in the secretions your body has chosen to release. Well done you!
This all sound SUPER gross?? That’s because it is!
It’s come to my attention that you all hate to change your bed sheets. Our neighbors across the pond hate it even more; a poll conducted a couple years ago revealed that half a million Brits change their sheets just three times a year.
I don’t know what’s going on here guys. Maybe you don’t have easy access to a washer/dryer. Maybe you’re crazy busy. Maybe you’re just lazy. But I’m just not going to indulge you on this one. Some tough love is what I think this issue calls for.
Starting now, the rule is that you must change your sheets once a week. Experts agree that doing so will ensure that you don’t allow bacteria and dust to accumulate. So just do it. Seriously.
It’s also a good idea to keep a few sets of sheets stocked. That way if you really can’t afford the time/ extend the effort to do the wash, you’ll still have clean sheets to swap. Not having the time/ not extending the effort to place the sheets onto the bed is not acceptable. Sorry.
Okay, now I’ll play nice cop: think about how incredibly nice it feels to climb into a crisp, clean bed at the end of a hard day. There are few things that compare to that feeling. Going to the effort of keeping your sheets clean will be well worth it as soon as you’re horizontal, I promise.
K, bye! Please come back tomorrow, I swear I won’t make you gag!